Pa,
Wednesday, March 15th, 2023. I remember that day vividly. It is burned into my long term memory. I started the day just like any other day, i got up, took a bath, got dressed and prepared to go to the office. When i saw you that morning, i noticed you were slumped on your chair, looking very tired. I asked you how you were feeling, you just replied that you were tired. I remembered that in the past few days, you complained that you had difficulties eating, that you feel bloated and want to vomit everytime you ate something. At the time i just told you to go see a doctor and take some medication. You did go see a doctor a day before, the doctor said you had gassy bowels. I didn’t think much of it at the time, i thought it was normal sickness and would be resolved in a day or two.
That was my first mistake. I didn’t realize at the time that it was a symptom of something really serious and ultimately fatal.
So when i saw you that morning looking very tired, all i thought of doing was just reminding you to take the medicine from the doctor. I then proceeded to go downstairs to leave for the office. As i was walking downstairs, i remember you reminded me not to forget anything. I acknowledged it slightly annoyed. Because that’s pretty much the same thing you told me every morning when i go to office. You were not wrong though, i do forget things from time to time and sometimes i asked for your help with things i forget as well.
And looking back now, that was the last sentence you uttered to me in your life. And that was the last time i saw you alive. When i was at the office, mom called me and told me you are having difficulty breathing. She asked me to come home and take you to the hospital. At that point, i still didn’t think that anything was seriously wrong. I told mom that i would go home at around 2 pm and take you to the hospital, because i was planning on taking you to a local clinic and the clinic closes at 4 pm so i thought bringing you there at 2 pm would suffice. Later i called mom back and asked her how you are doing, she said that you were sleeping and hearing that somehow made me relaxed even more. I even still went for lunch with some colleagues and have a chat with them, ignoring multiple calls from my brother in law and mom, trying to inform me of some terrible news. I thought that they were too panicky, that everything is fine.
That was my second and probably worst mistake.
I didn’t realize that at the very moment when i was having lunch , chatting away with my friends, you were struggling with life and death.
Probably the only thing i did right that day was notifying my sister of my plan to take you to the clinic. She and her husband rushed to take you to the hospital. When i finally reached home , mom told me you are already taken to the hospital. I went to the hospital as fast as i could, and even then i still managed to take the wrong route, mistaking another hospital for the one you were in.
When i arrived at the hospital, sis and bro-in-law informed me that you were already gone.
My mind went blank.
When i finally saw you again after that morning, you were lying there on the ICU bed, your hands and feets tied with white cloth. And then i saw your face, eyes closed peacefully like you were deep asleep, tears started rolling. And all i could say to you was “i’m sorry”.
Pa…
I’m really sorry.
There were lots of ‘what ifs’ and ‘i should’ve’s swirling around in my head. But ultimately, i realized that they’ re all pointless. You were no longer there. I have regrets, sure. But i realized that there is no amount of punishing myself that would bring you back. So i have to settle for the next best thing.
I want to honor you with what i have.
And i want to start by pouring out everything i have about you. I did give a short speech about you at the funeral home, but i didn’t prepare for it so it sucked. I’m hoping i could give you justice with this one.
This letter is one of the best way i know how to do it.
I know, it’s ironic that i didn’t have the courage to communicate what i’m going to write to you directly before, and i acknowledge that fault. This is the next best thing that i can do.
It’s the first time i’m writing something addressed to you, and maybe it can become some sort of therapy for me, an outlet for me to get some sense of closure or relief.
But first, i must say, this won’t be a long one.
Because like it or not, we didn’t have too much connection going on between us.
From as early as i can remember, i always remembered you as a man with very few words. We never had conversations longer than a few minutes. Sometimes when i tried to talk to you about something important, you just say a few words and when i pressed with further questions, you just sat there in silence.
Over the years i have come to accept that behavior from you. I reasoned that you probably don’t know how to best respond so you chose to be silent. But if i’m being honest i really don’t like that side of you.
I also don’t like the fact that while you have so few words, you quite often act in a cranky way, suddenly bursting out, all emotional while discussing things that might not even worth getting angry about. Like that time when we tried to build a table together using your drill tools. Or on a more serious note, when you chose not to say anything about important issues in our families. It seems to me that you don’t care about our family, that you are being completely ignorant of the people closest to you.
But i am not one to judge. You probably had your own grievances about me that you never communicated to me as well. So i tried to be understanding, and i even tell myself that despite all those flaws, i believe that you were actually a decent, nay you are actually a good father to me.
I can say that because time and time again, i observed that your actions, however small they were, shows that you do care and listen.
Like the time when you would go out of your way to buy loads of chocolates and ice creams just because you knew that your granddaughter likes it and you wanted to have them ready when they come visit. Or when you repeatedly tell your workers that you wanted to start working on renovating the house i purchased after i told you i wanted to sell it.
One other positive thing i notice about you. And i dare to say it even goes beyond positive. It’s a trait that i admire from you. And that is your resilience. I remember the struggle you went through all those years ago when you were diagnosed with tubercolosis and had to be hospitalized. Not only did you recover from the desease, you stopped smoking cold turkey and within few weeks of being discharged from the hospital you forced yourself to go out of the house using motorbike again!
Also we didn’t have a glamorous lifestyle when i grew up. I even distinctly remember some periods of time when you didn’t have any projects and thus didn’t have any income. Yet with all those hardships and limitations, there wasn’t a single day in my life that we ever starved or didn’t have anything to eat. You always strived and provide for us, pay for me and my sister’s education. And more impressively, i just asked mom and she said that you never borrowed any money in the past from anyone (not that we know of at least).
I remember one of the only time you gave me life advice and that is : “never rely on anybody”.
Forget about the fact that i only partially agree with that principle, In light of what i know now, you truly walk the talk. And i’m proud of that character of yours.
So yes, despite all of your flaws, you are indeed a good father. Because you cared and you worked hard and tried your best.
Those are the things i know and observed about you.
But there are loads of things i don’t know about you.
How was your childhood?
What were the important things that happened in your life?
Who were the important people in your life? People you trusted and people who dissapointed you?
What were your dreams? What were your fears? Your regrets?
What was your opinion of mom?, of sis?, of me?
How did you feel on that day? Were you afraid? Were you dissapointed in me?
And There are also loads of things you didn’t know about me.
How i was so afraid of death when i was a child.
How i came to faith in Christ.
How i struggled with porn, insecurities, and other psychological issues since early teens until now
The girls i had crush with, the friends i bonded with, people who i thought i could trust but turned out to
be just taking advantage of me.
About the dreams i had and currently have. About my fears and regrets.
About my opinion of my mom, of sis, of you.
And how i felt that day, how sorry i was.
Pa…
It’s too late now, but there were a lot of things we could’ve talked about.
And i guess the most important thing i would want you to know is this:
You were loved.
Maybe you didn’t noticed it at the time, maybe we didn’t made it clear enough, but we tried to showed it.
From the time i was little, i always felt the urge to kiss you on the forehead every night before bed.
Saying good night to you, and reminding you to go to sleep soon.
I always tried to buy foods you like despite knowing you had diabetes and can’t eat too much of those things.
No matter how angry i was with you, i tried to remain silent and not argue with you too much.
All of us, your family tried to showed our love towards you in our own silly, imperfect ways. Through little things, by paying attention to what you like and dislike.
And lastly, we showed our love to you by mourning your passing.
Your relatives shed tears for you.
Your granddaughter shed tears for you.
Sis shed tears for you.
Mom shed tears for you.
I shed tears for you.
At this point you might scoff and blurted out: “Too Late! Why didn’t you guys showed love to me when i was alive?!”
Yes. That was my and our mistake. That’s why i said earlier that we probably didn’t show you enough love. Those were the best way we know how to show it considering our awkwardness and lack of communication skills.
Come to think of it, i guess we are not so different after all, huh?
So that’s it, Pa.
This pretty much sums all that i feel and want to say to you.
I am now at peace having written all of it.
I don’t know whether up there you’d be able to read and understand this letter. I hope you would.
Now our life must go on without you.
But you will never be forgotten, you will always remain in my heart.
Just like i said, i want to honor you with what i have. This letter is just the beginning.
I promise to honor you by improving my life.
I promise to carry your legacy of resilience with my actions and decisions.
And i promise to take care of mom in your stead.
I pray that you may have eternal peace and rest up there in heaven.
*Kisses on the forehead
Good night Pa,
Rest in Peace.