Think of relationships like opening a bank account.
Whenever we get acquainted or start a relationship with someone, we open an account with that person. We may open multiple accounts in different banks for various purposes, we might open an account for daily transactions purposes, or we might open another for investment purposes, and yet another for ‘cashback’ purposes and so on.
Initially the account we open has zero balance. Over time we begin to deposit into the account. Usually, but depending on the nature of the account, the more that we deposit, the more ‘privileged’ access open up to us. We might get special treatment in the form of a personal staff catering to our needs, we might get various perks , gifts and benefits from the bank. But all of that privileges only exist if we maintain a certain amount of deposit in the bank or some other actions that also benefit the banks.
Having a positive balance in a bank means that we can also sometimes withdraw from it in case we need some cash.
What happens when we withdraw more than we deposit? This is called an ‘overdrawn’ account. This is generally viewed negatively. Some banks may let you maintain overdrawn account but with strict rules and will impose heavy penalty if you violate any of the rule, while most other banks won’t even let you have a negative balance.
To translate:
We are all social beings who longs for and even cannot survive without connection and relationship (“opening account”). A relationship is built on trust (“Deposit”). Trust is the currency of relationship, and the more trust we have in a person, the closer and more intimate we are with that person. Just like we wouldn’t let people we don’t trust to come into our bedroom, we wouldn’t let people we don’t trust to have access to our life’s most intimate aspects. That is called boundary setting.
And that’s basically the framework with which we can navigate our relationships.
But as with all framework, it only provides us with the basic concept or a set of basic rules. It doesn’t give us the details and equip us to deal with more complex issues down the road. And as we all are very aware, the world is a very complex place indeed.
What kind of complexities are we talking about?
I’m gonna share with you 2 things that can and will make relationships more complex.
The first complexity is related to how the rule works in real life.
First, ask yourself: “What are the different ways I can make a “Deposit” in somebody’s life?” The fact that there are multiple ways we can do this speaks to the complexity of life. Moreover, the temptation when we are given a rule (at least it is for me) is to treat it like a robot and expect it to behave like a formula. If we do X, then we can expect Y. Does it work like that in real life?
The second complexity is related to the fact that God created us humans with all kinds of shape, size, characteristics, and preferences. We are a diverse species, and often diversity is a catalyst for conflict.
Since ancient age, history is marked with countless conflicts that are rooted in this fundamental traits of our species. Fast forward to today, the modern life with all its innovations and breakthroughs only managed to make us even more fragmented. We used to have conflicts over land or over race differences. Now we find it important and necessary to have serious argument about things as trivial as whether apple product is better than android (it’s not by the way :p).
We used to see the world through our own biases. But now we have the added layer of screens and social media and online bubble just to make things worse.
The main thing to remember is that in a conflict situation we need to always remember that we are dealing with a fellow human being that was created and loved by God. Having awareness of that fact will dramatically change our response towards others.
Just like anything else in the real world, relationship is complex.
Trying to figure out how to apply the rule of relationship can be bring disappointment.
And when we are in the middle of conflict, often our first instinct is to protect ourselves, or to get even, forgetting the very fact that we are dealing with a human being that God created and loved.